Accidentally fucked around and forgot to work on my site hahahaha but I was doing other productive things so its ok. I put Linux on my burner pc just for the lulz but now I just use my school laptop for everything so it was a little pointless really. I feel so lonesome all the time now. It's strange that I used to be content being by myself but now when I wake up alone I feel existential dread... Another thing that's strange is that I never dream anymore. The last one I remember is from a few months ago. After doing something evil (I don't know what) I ran into a house holding hands with a boy. He was dressed in BDUs and a bullet proof vest, basically he looked like a mercenary. Tarrantcore if I had to give it a name but without the helmet. Then we looked at eachother. The feds were closing in on us so we knew what needed to be done. He handed me a sig sauer 9 mm. I put it in my mouth, pointing it toward the palatine bone. He did the same thing but with something bulkier, maybe a glock. Then he took my hand and looked at me. "Ready?" He didn't say this but I could tell through the look in his eyes. I felt scared but I knew this was my fate. Our mission was complete. I looked up at him and pulled the trigger but.. *Click*, nothing came out. *Click, click, click*. Um... We didn't know what to do so we went up the stairs and laid in the master bedroom while the police broke down the barricaded door. He never said a word but he looked a little sullen. Then I was in handcuffs sitting on the ground. The police were dragging someone else out from under the bed while he was kicking and screaming. I felt a lot of second hand embarassment from this. And that was it. Why does it make me feel fuzzy though?
I wish I believed in God so I could be Catholic and live virtuously. I'm going to work instead of going to RCIA. At least I'm still going to mass on sundays but I hardly listen anyway. I only go as an obligation or to socialize. At least I tried? If the concept of God is real then I think a pantheon would be more likely. It would be more fun that way. I've had a question on my mind for a while: Is it possible for a human to achieve apotheosis or I am being arrogant? I saw a thread on this on /x/ but everyone was just shitposting. But that posits the question: How were Elagabalus or Ishtar born? I want an answer to this more than anything. I'm probably falling victim to hubris but I swear I've tried to learn my place!!! I don't know what else I can try.
Finally got to the brain portion of my anatomy class. Maybe now I can understand why I'm retarded??? (doubtful). It must be related to the frontal lobe somehow. I've been doing a lot of research into religions recently. It would be nice if religious studies could lead to a viable career other than priest/rabbi/imam. That's what I've been doing while I've been trying to get some homework done; two different biology assignments and researching Celtic mythology, the difference between paganism and Wicca, Buddhism, and etc. Nice to see takin ritalin only makes me research 10 topics at the same time more vigourously. I am running out of time to go exercise, which I don't particularly WANT to do but I will regardless. I submitted my nursing application recently two days ago but now I am filled with regret because I'm thinking of better ways to answer the essay prompts. Also I said I was a proctor not preceptor which makes me want to bang my head against the wall. So hopefully they are just skimming though these essays because I will look like a moron in that aspect. I even knew it wasn't the correct term but I left it in because I needed to think on it (It starts with a p and ends with r... but it's not proctor). It's annoying you have to put on a show to get into any program that's worthwhile. One of the essay prompts was "What did you do when someone was discriminated against unfairly??" I wrote that I hung out with a neurodivergent (Autist) kid sometimes after I saw her getting picked on and I was an unsung hero. Hopefully that's good enough. I know someone else is a Pulitzer prize winning champion of civil rights who personally cut the ribbon at the George Floyd statue unveiling. The things you need to do to obtain a small parcel of land... I need to think of a strategy to promote myself if I get an interview because wanting a guaranteed income will not cut it. Probably my best bet is to upsell my "problem solver" and "thirsty for knowledge" points. It's annoying that you have to bring out the whole three ring circus for it. "Give us the old Hocus Pocus, bead and feather them... Long as you keep them way off balance, how can they spot you got no talents?"